PLAY TITLE

SCENE

(The reception area of Mother Lode’s business. TANYA the receptionist is reading something from a sheet of paper to MR. S. He looks down in shame.)

TANYA

You have been a very very bad boy. Do you know what happens to bad boys?

MR. S

What?

TANYA

They have to go stand in the corner.

(Mr. S looks at her expectantly.)

Go stand in the corner.

(Mr. S scurries to the corner of the room. Tanya consults her paper.)

TANYA

Now turn and face the wall.

(He obeys.)

Mr. S

When can I come out of the corner?

(Tanya consults the paper again.)

Tanya

When I say so.

Mr. S

Yes Mistress Tanya!

(MOTHER LODE enters.)

MOTHER LODE

Oh Tanya, I almost forgot – while I’m in with Mr. V, my new dawg Rodney might show up.

(Tanya giggles.)

Mother Lode

Stop that every time.

Tanya

I can’t help it. It sounds funny when you call him a dawg.

Mother Lode

He’s my guard dog. What else am I going to call him? Oh, how are you doing Mr. S?

Mr. S

Very well, Mother Lode.

Mother Lode

(to Tanya)

Did you remember to scold him?

Tanya

Yep. I said every single thing in this script.

Mother Lode

Good. He doesn’t like it if he doesn’t get enough scolding. Anyway, so while I’m in with Mr. V, if Rodney shows up, just tell him to wait until I’m done. I don’t want to rush Mr. V while I’m sticking pins in him.

Tanya

The new client called. I told him we had a cancellation and could fit him in this afternoon. He said he’s coming over.

Mother Lode

Remind me what his deal is.

Tanya

He wants to be crucified.

Mother Lode

Right.

Tanya

What should we call him?

Mother Lode

Bless you Tanya, nobody’s gonna give you a job as a rocket scientist, but you’ve been with me now for a month and I think you know how it works. If we call that man over there Mr. S because he likes to be scolded, and we call Mr. V Mr. V because he wants to be stuck with pins like a Voodoo doll, what do you think we’re going to call a man who wants to be crucified?

Tanya

Wait – I know – Mr. K.

(Mother Lode shakes her head and wonders, not for the first time, if she made a big mistake hiring Tanya, but good help is hard to find.)

Mother Lode

Yeah. Mr. K. When he shows up give him the usual forms, and smile and talk nice to him. OK?

Tanya

Sure Mother Lode, I talk nice to everybody.

MOTHER LODE

OK then. I’m going back to Mr. V. Did I see you moving over there Mr. S?

Mr. S

No Mother Lode!

Mother Lode

I better not.

(to Tanya)

You don’t need to be nice all the time – remember, we are trying to instill discipline in these men.

Tanya

Yes Mother Lode.

(Mother Lode exits. Tanya sits at a desk and files her nails. She suddenly remembers.)

Did I see you moving over there Mr. S?

Mr. S

No Mistress Tanya!

Tanya

Okey dokey.

(She goes back to filing her nails. There is a buzz. She looks at the security camera and then buzzes the visitor in. In a moment, RODNEY enters.)

Tanya

Hi. You must be Rodney, the new “dawg.”

Rodney

The what?

Tanya

The dawg.

Rodney

Look, I don’t know what that means, but it better not mean she wants me to get mixed up in anything weird or kinky. I ain’t nobody’s dawg.

Tanya

Like a guard dog. That’s why she calls you a dawg.

Rodney

Oh. I guess that’s OK. A guard dog’s OK. I’m not into all that kink, you know?

Tanya

What are you talking about, “all that kink?”

Rodney

What are you talking about, “what are you talking about.”

Tanya

Did you just say “what are you talking about” twice?

Rodney

You seem like a nice girl. I hope you ain’t into all that kink.

Tanya

Why do you keep saying “kink.” What do you mean?

Rodney

Come on girl! When all these men come in here, what do you think they’re here for.

Tanya

These men need discipline in their lives. That’s what Mother Lode teaches them. Personal discipline. Like a life coach.

Rodney

What? This ain’t no life coach. They get off on it. Hey, who’s that guy?

Tanya

Oh, that’s Mr. S. He likes to be scolded.

Rodney

Yeah, right. He likes to be scolded. Why you think he does?

Tanya

Because he lacks discipline.

Rodney

It ain’t “discipline.” It’s sexy kinky.

Tanya

Sexy kinky? That is against my religion!

Rodney

Well I got bad news for you. Why you think she needs a guard “dawg?”

Tanya

In case somebody gets out of line.

Rodney

But why wouldn’t she call the police? Because then it would get into the newspapers. Cut down on her business. Make your clients nervous to be caught in a house of prostitution.

Tanya

No! This is not prostitution. These men need discipline in their lives!

Rodney

Yeah sure. Look at that guy over there. He looks to me like he got money. People with money don’t need discipline – they pay somebody else to be disciplined for them – wake up early and do all the hard work.

Tanya

We are helping people.

Rodney

Uh huh. You ever help any women be disciplined?

Tanya

No.

Rodney

Don’t you think that’s weird? You only discipline men. And what did you call that guy? Mr. S? Why do you think he don’t use his real name?

Tanya

Oh, well Mother explained that. It’s part of the discipline.

Rodney

It’s because they don’t want anybody to know who they are.

Tanya

I know who they are. That’s Mr. S.

Rodney

You don’t know their real names, do you? Mother Lode’s been playing you, girl.

Tanya

I’m going to tell Mother you’re talking trash about her.

Rodney

OK, watch this.

(Rodney takes out his cell phone walks over to Mr. S.)

RODNEY

Oh Mr. S, your wife is on the phone.

Mr. S

What? My wife? That’s impossible. She doesn’t know I come here. Why would you say that?

Rodney

Chill brother. I’m just messing with you. Turn back and face the corner.

MR. S.

Hey, I said no men should be involved in my discipline. Only Mistress Tanya can treat me like that.

Rodney

Oh of course. “Mistress” Tanya – would you please…?

Tanya

Turn and face the wall Mr. S.

(He does so.)

Mr. S.

Thank you Mistress Tanya.

Rodney

You’d love to worship Mistress Tanya’s feet, wouldn’t you?

(He doesn’t answer.)

Tell him to answer the question.

Tanya

Answer the question.

Mr. S.

I’m not worthy to worship Mistress Tanya’s feet.

Rodney

You still think you’re a “life coach?”

(The light dawns.)

TaNYA

Oh no….

Rodney

Hey, I don’t blame you though. It’s a job right? In this lousy economy you don’t want to be walking out on anything that pays the bills, am I right? You think I woulda taken this gig if times was good? Of course not.

Tanya

But what if they shut us down?

Rodney

Never happen. I bet the chief of police is one of her clients.

Tanya

No! No respectable man would come here.

Rodney

How would you know? You only know them all by their initials. And they all got money to afford this “discipline” – that makes them respectable.

Tanya

What if somebody at church finds out?

(The door buzzes.)

Rodney

Guess you can always find a new church.

(Tanya views the visitor through the security camera. Talk about weird coincidences…)

Tanya

It’s Reverend Hartford! From my church! How did he know I was here?

Rodney

Guess somebody at church found out. If he tries to make you quit, don’t do it unless you got another job waiting in the wings. He sure ain’t gonna worry about paying your bills.

(The door buzzes again.)

Tanya

You have to be the receptionist!

(She buzzes the Reverend in, and then goes and stands in the corner next to Mr. S so she can hide her face from the Reverend. Over the intercom we hear Mother Lode’s voice.

MOTHER LODE

Tanya, is Mr. K here yet? Tanya?

(In a moment Rodney figures out where the talk button is.)

Rodney

She stepped away from the desk. She had to go… uh… take a crap.

MOTHER LODE

Who is this?

Rodney

It’s Rodney. The new…. dawg.

(REVEREND HARTFORD enters.)

Reverend Hartford

Hello.

Rodney

She ain’t here.

Reverend Hartford

Oh. When will she be back?

Rodney

She won’t. She quit.

Reverend Hartford

Excuse me? You’re telling me that Mother Lode quit?

(Mother Lode enters.)

Mother Lode

Rodney?

Rodney

That’s me, Mother Lode. Nice to meet you.

Mother Lode

And Mr. K?

Reverend Hartford

Yes Mother Lode. Did you get me the crown of thorns from the catalogue?

Mother Lode

I got it. Right this way.

(He exits. She follows then stops.)

Tanya, what are you doing?

Tanya

I’m scolding Mr. S.

Mother Lode

That’s a new technique. Rodney, in a few minutes I want you to get in here and help me hoist the cross. It’s freaking heavy.

(Mother Lode exits.)

Rodney

Hah! He’s one of her customers! Guess you will be finding a new church after all.

Tanya

I am so disgusted! What a bunch of perverts! Disgusting perverts! Every last one. Yes, you too, Mr. S!

(Mr. S. is thrilled by the extra passion in Tanya’s delivery. He falls to the ground and worships her feet.)

Mr. S.

Yes Mistress Tanya! I am a disgusting pervert! I am loathsome, awful, filthy! Oh thank you Mistress! Thank you!

(Tanya looks at Rodney. He shrugs.)

Rodney

Be glad you got a job.

THE END

Mother Lode	Real name Marian Londen, a handsome middle-aged woman, professional dominatrix.
Tanya	Younger than Mother Lode, religious and not very bright. At all. Recently hired by Mother as the receptionist, and believes that Mother’s business involves teaching men personal discipline and doesn’t get that there’s a kinky sexual aspect to all this “discipline.”
Rodney	Around the same age as Tanya, recently hired by Mother Lode as a bodyguard – Mother calls her bodyguards her “dawgs”.
Mr. S	Client of Mother. A straight-laced businessman in “real life.” His kink is to be scolded by a woman and made to stand in the corner.
Reverend Hartford	Minister of Tanya’s church.